Sandstone House

I had heard rumors that spiders have new and awful powers but I discounted them. Ha ha, I thought, spiders! They are nothing! Well, they can kill you damn quick, particularly when they hunt in packs and I did, one awful evening when I had miscalculated the amount of time it would take me to get home, once see a skeleton riding one, which was alarming, but in full daylight they’re harmless. I usually go up to them and say HEY! We cool? And they scuttle away. Therefore I think I must be imagining things when I hear them right up there on the Castle parapets.

I’m not imagining things. There are three of them; they can climb walls; they’re in my formerly impregnable fortress and they’re looking to kill. Not only is this immediately dangerous, it makes my entire architectural philosophy of green roofs completely useless. I’ve been building wheat farms on my roofs since I started with this ridiculous addiction and not only have I been building wheat farms on my roofs, I have been priding myself on my ecological chops for doing it. I mean, green roof! What could be greener than a farm? Bah. Now I will have to go back and encase every single house in glass and if you think that doesn’t mean releasing lots of toxins into the air what with all that smelting, well, think again. Not to mention digging up all the sand dunes. Minecraft is great for expiating all our environmental guilt: it turns out to not be so hard to completely wreck a world if you’re the only one in it. I kill the spiders.

I have also heard a rumor (yes, when I'm not playing Minecraft I am often lurking on forums that discuss Minecraft, which is pretty scary, I know) that spiders cannot climb sandstone so right then and there I decide to go forth and build another house out of sandstone. I fill up my pockets with wool and sundry other useful stuff – even redstone dust just in case I suddenly develop any musical talent or electrical knowledge – and head out. I stop for the night on top of a lovely floating pasture which I barricade on one side. It’s a peaceful night and the next day I journey onwards, passing what look like several interesting caves until I find a good looking bay. There’s everything I need here: water, sand, small mountains and trees but not too many trees. Too many trees are a pain in the ass, skeletons and zombies tend to hide in their shade and then come lurching out at you on one final suicide mission. Also, they’re hard to get around. But anyhow, I know I have found my site. My new home! A small seaside getaway! A rustic cabin made of sandstone with fabulously colored wool decorative elements! I am excited.

I make a temporary home inside a nearby cliff and start gathering sand. It turns out to be a big pain in the ass to make sandstone – almost as bad as brick, which I also will need for the chimney. Therefore it takes me longer than it should to make my house, which is fine because I am unnaturally pleased by the prospect of colored wool decorations right there in the walls. The house is going along nicely, almost done, when I decide to put in the fireplace.

I know better than that.

I know you have to build the fireplace first but do I listen to the little background voice of my months of Minecraft experience? No, I do not. This fireplace, I tell myself, is located far enough away from anything flammable that it will be fine. I’ll just pop a log – one of the new birch logs, at that, just to be trendy – in there and lo, my fireplace will be a go.

I’m wrong about that.

My house burns down. Of course it does. Well, actually, the next day when I come out to look at the remains, it turns out to not be as bad as it could have been. Much of the wool has burned and of course the second story wood floor is gone as is the wood ceiling, but it’s all fixable, although it does leave me with a sudden shortage of wool. I’m getting tired of scalping sheep but hey, someone’s gotta do it. And, fortunately, the rest of the neighborhood is not on fire. I finish my house only to discover that spiders can indeed climb sandstone – it doesn’t faze them one bit and so I lie in bed at night watching spiders spin on my skylight. You know what does slow them down? Cactus on the roof, so I add some of that and thus my house is done. It’s time to make a road back to the beginning so I don’t lose this house too, because, as you can see from these pictures, this house is awesome.